Shine on you crazy diamond

So where are you? What did you give up to get there? What did you gain? What's the balance?

Happy Birthday Daddy

Yet another anniversary to remind me of my Dad. Like I need a reminder.

That sounds awful. The truth is, I miss my Dad often. It just seems more painful on special days. I so wish I could have called him today and said Happy Birthday. Even to hear him wheezing on the phone or coughing his head off would have been a comfort. Instead, I get to try to make it through a day in the office where everyone is going about business as usual. It's like the day he died in the hospital. The doctors and nurses were joking and going on about their lives. I didn't hate them for it. I just found it odd. I was in my bubble of despair and they were outside. We existed on different planes at that moment.

I looked up and said Happy Burthday Daddy. I'm not religious but the culture is ingrained in me. It was a prayer but not a prayer to a god. It was my expression.

My Dad loved me. Of that I am sure. I could find plenty of faults but in the end, I always had his love. I hope my daughter will be able to say that.

Great Davinci Code-type Puzzle

Check out this puzzle for hours of fun and frustration. 

The 10 Worst Album Covers

This is a great reminder of the old days. Fashion is such a fickle beast.

So say a prayer - it's Independence Day

It's Independence Day. Yet another reminder of my Dad/Hero.

I wanted to send my Mom some flowers for the fourht but I waited too late. Maybe I can take her some early tomorrow.

It's weird how things affect me that I never thought of until they happened. I knew that maybe my Dad's birthday would bother me but I didn't think about all the other events. I mentioned in my previous post that I was wondering about My parent's anniversary. The problem is, I don't know when it is/was. I'm pretty sure I issed it without thinking about it. That makes me feel like a slug. I wonder how my Mom took it. She's strong but her love and her lose were real.

BTW: I just happen to be listening to The Boss (Bruce Springsteen) tonight. That's from whence cometh the title of this post.

Family

I'm on vacation in Michigan. It's the last night and I'm wasted. Why am I wasted? One, to drink up the beer I bought and two, because I'm having some marital problems. The drinking up of the beee I bought is self-explanatory. The second issue could use some elaboration.

My wife hung up on me today. At the Soo Locks, she called to "ask" that I bring her the keys so she could get some food out of the van. This was after approximately thirty minutes at the locks and I was a good ways from her. My immmediate response was "Why didn't ypu eat before we left the van?" She then hung up on me. I hate to e hung-up on. If you can't finish a conversation/argument, don't start it. That's my philosophy.

Anyway, ther has beeen a certain tension between my wife and I since then. It built as the night went on. I started drinking (my escape) and se pretended that the world was against her and that she had to do everything herself. (that is, of course, my read of her actions.)

I tried to get over itand move on. I showed her some pictures I had taken and such he was and tried to be "normal." She was still hostile.

Things came to a head after awhile. I was watching TV with the bro-in-law when I heard Claire crying/whining. Thinking that maybe I could help, I went and talked to Claire and then laid down with her to sing her a song. In the iddle of the song, Karen came in to "announce" that she was not going to sleep woth Claire because Claire had not done what she had told her to - go to sleep by herself. This was unexpected since I thought I was helping.

Thigs then progressed rapidly me telling Karen that she had beeen a bitch to me all day and that shhe had hung up on me. Shww denied hangin up on me and stated that her Mom had to go without food because of me (basically).

All ended with Karen stating that she was going to slep with Claire. I told them each - individually - that I loved them and then I left.

Let's see what the morrow brings.

Father's Day

I feel as if I have had a breakthrough tonight. I sent my brother an e-mail that described - very clearly and without all the pride - how I was feeling. It was honest. I miss my dad - my hero.

I sent my mother a father's day present. I never thought about it enough to realize that father's day would effect me. There's also an anniversary comming up. What will that mean to me. Forget me - what about my mom?

Death

Death is a common occurrence in my life this year. First my Dad, then my Aunt's husband. I just don't know what it's doing to me.

I seem to think that all is well is with me. I recognize the ability to use the circumstances as an excuse and I think I want to avoiud doing that. I have to wonder if, as a result, I am not grieving as much as I need to. I don't know.

I feel alot of distress but I don't seem to be able to get a grip on it. I know that I have benn suffering at work (aside from all the missed time). I have a head full of cobwebs. That's the description that comes to mind.

Should I see a shrink? I think that's not a bad idea. I had pretty much decided to do that last year but never got around to it. The cost is a factor.

"I'm drinking that whiskey out of a glass and if that ain't country, boys you can kiss my ass" Hank Williams III. My current favorite.

Time for another beer.